


and after all you do know best

by revoleotion



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Songfic, Yukio is so mean but I guess that's very in character, no happy ending, vague mention of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:27:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revoleotion/pseuds/revoleotion
Summary: “We need to talk,” Rin greeted him because he was scared he couldn't say it once he wasted his breath on other words.Yukio halted and lost a little of his charisma. He didn't seem angry, not yet.“Sit down,” Rin added. “It's just a talk.”
Relationships: Okumura Rin & Okumura Yukio
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	and after all you do know best

In a few ways, this was long overdue, Rin thought, as he squeezed himself between the table and the slightly sticky bench. He didn't bother to think about what he just sat on, that would be a problem for future-Rin and whoever did the laundry this week. Probably future-Rin as well. 

He was late, that was his trademark by now, not even fashionably late, regular, embarrassing late. It didn't matter because he was the first one to arrive at the convenience store. 

According to the store's clock, he waited ten minutes before someone else entered the diner. Rin got told a lot that he had some sort of charisma that made people look at him - but he had long figured out that it was very hard not to stare at someone with bright blue hair, demon ears and a naturally loud voice. What really fascinated Rin that Yukio made people's heads turn around, simply by being himself. Even on one of his worst days (and this clearly was one of them), you couldn't escape it. It was the way he walked, the way he held himself - and also the fact that he was really, really tall compared to the average Asian person. 

“We need to talk,” Rin greeted him because he was scared he couldn't say it once he wasted his breath on other words. 

Yukio halted and lost a little of his charisma. He didn't seem angry, not yet. 

“Sit down,” Rin added. “It's just a talk.” 

Yukio sat down on one of the chairs and gave him a smile that was nowhere near being honest. Rin couldn't look for long, he stared at the shop windows and wondered if it was normal to regret agreeing to this. 

“Are you okay?” he asked when his mouth was ready to speak again. What he had seen of his brother proved the question to be unnecessary but Rin liked giving him a chance not to lie. 

“I figured there was no use in being early if I'm meeting up with you.” 

“I wasn't that late.”

Rin wasn't prepared for the resentment on Yukio's face. Of course, it had always been there, somewhere, but today he didn't even have the energy to hide it. 

“That's good for you,” Yukio finally said. “Then I have to apologize for keeping you waiting. For once.” 

For once. Rin tried to shake off the feeling of guilt, then quickly realized that he had no reason to feel it. If anything, Rin had waited for his brother to show up for dinner, so many evenings he lost count. 

“Apology accepted,” Rin said with a smile so fake that it made him sick. Was he ever allowed to feel angry without losing control? Was he ever allowed to feel like he was treated unfairly for something he had no control over? Yukio would go lengths to blame his own spiraling mental health on Rin and it was _unfair_. Why did he come in the first place? 

“So, about that thing.”

What a wonderful way to start. Rin felt anger flaring up, took a deep breath and kept himself under control. Start again. Slip past all of Yukio's defense mechanisms.

“I'm not going to say it if it makes you feel uncomfortable-” 

“Uncomfortable?” Yukio hissed. He hadn't taken off his coat yet. He sat on the chair like he did in church, his back straightened, his eyes losing focus ever so slightly. He was tired, of course he was. Rin had picked a time slot right after work, so he could make sure Yukio didn't have time to do anything stupid. 

“You think this makes me uncomfortable?” Yukio continued. His left hand started trembling, he stared down on it with slight confusion like he hadn't expected this to happen. 

“I do, yes,” Rin said. “That's why you never told me.” 

“This isn't something you tell people.” 

“I'm not people, I'm your brother!” 

“That's worse.” 

He didn't look like he regretted saying this. It was possibly the worst trait his brother had, being mean because he hoped it would protect him from real life. Newsflash, it didn't. It just made everything worse. 

“Fine. You didn't have to tell me. I didn't expect you to, honestly.” 

Something appeared on Yukio's face, so ugly and terrifying that Rin flinched. It wasn't aimed at him, it was aimed at Yukio himself. He hated himself so much he couldn't even keep up his usual act anymore. 

“What is this, then?” he asked. Even his voice had lost the usual smoothness, it cracked and he spoke loud enough to attract the attention of two white girls who roamed around the ramen shelf. 

Rin didn't know what to do other than lowering his voice in response, “I wanted to tell you that you can talk to me. You don't have to. But, so help me God, you don't get to blame your problems on me if you don't talk about them.” 

“I am not-” 

Yukio interrupted himself and looked away. For a moment he just looked broken. 

“Listen, I'm the last person to tell you that I could've saved you if you had come to me first or whatever. But seriously, do you think you have this under control?” 

“Control?” It was a careful word, quiet and filled with more emotions than Rin was able to process. It didn't seem like Yukio had taken in anything Rin had said, the word alone had triggered his fight or flight reflex. 

“Oh, I don't think you should be talking about control, brother.” 

It wasn't the same brother that had helped him getting patched up after fights at school. It wasn't the same boy who held the introduction speech at school. It possibly wasn't even the same person that wished him a Good Morning last week. He wasn't the same anymore, and worst of all, he didn't seem to be aware of it. 

“What's so different? If it's about control, losing it could cost us our life. Both of us, if you haven't noticed.”

“No.” Yukio stared down on his hands, still grabbing the table like it would give him comfort somehow. “No, if you lose control, you kill everyone around you. If I lose control, which I won't, I deserve it. Because I'm weak.” 

Oh. 

_Oh_. 

Oh _no_. 

Rin blinked. 

“You mean that,” he said. 

Yukio let out a small laugh and covered his mouth. It took a few seconds for him to stop shaking. Perhaps it was easier to laugh than to cry, who knew. 

“It's always been like this. Things come so easy to you, I- I don't know why I'm doing this.” 

He pushed himself up, stumbled while trying to get out of his chair and accidentally kicked it a few centimeters through the store. Neither him nor Rin commented on this. 

Rin patiently waited until he gathered his bag, pushed the chair in position and stared at him. Yukio wanted something. A “don't go”, “stay safe”, “don't do this”. 

But Rin didn't know how to save a life. He looked up to his brother and wondered if that's what letting go felt like. 


End file.
